The Norwegians have a word for it

fishermen afloat on a raft in the North Sea.

Captain Houland was flying back to Norway after a courtesy visit to

Scotland when he spotted the men. Their Tyneside prawn-fishing vessel,

The Optimistic, had sunk 90 miles off the Fife coast.

The rescue made headlines. But one small section of Captain Houland's

interview with BBC Reporting Scotland was not broadcast. BBC reporter

David Nisbet asked him what would have been the consequences for the

fishermen if his helicopter had not chanced upon them.

Captain Houland thought for a second and said: ''In Norway we have a

phrase to describe their situation. They would have been in deep shit.''

The BBC, being a moral and upright organisation, could not even

transmit this as being in deep bleep. The Diary imagines the comment

might surface one day when it will be alright on the night.

Funeral hijinks

APOCRYPHAL Tales: This story about an announcement by the convener at

a soiree at a West of Scotland Labour club has a ring of truth. He stood

up twixt the bingo and the band to inform members of the funeral of a

stalwart comrade which was taking place on the Monday. The club had

hired a double-decker bus and all were urged to attend. ''You know the

old saying,'' the convener said. ''The more the merrier.''

J1NGS, crivvens

THERE seems to a growth industry in car number plates with a Scottish

connection. You will have read that a Highland outfitters in Sauchiehall

Street paid #6600 for K1LTS.

(Indeed, the sale inspired Hugh Dunlop from Glasgow to write in and

tell us this awful joke. The car is taken to the garage for a service

and the mechanic says with a smile: ''At last I'm going to find out what

is really worn under the kilt.'')

We have had sightings in Glasgow of another Scottish plate, J1NGS.

This used to belong to a wedding car company which then sold it. The

company has a new plate which might prove popular with fans of a

well-known king who had a white horse. It is K1NG B.

Strip tease

WE were intrigued to read that Minister of Fun David Mellor wore the

blue shirt of his favourite team Chelsea during assignations with

Antonia de Sancha. Some mistake, surely. It should have been the jersey

they have for playing away from home.

The small unwashed

ONE of the more delicate problems teachers have to deal with is when a

pupil is deficient in the Lifebuoy department. We hear of one teacher

who was compelled to take wee Jimmy aside and impart some advice on

personal hygiene.

The next day Jimmy's irate mother confronted the teacher with the

statement: ''Ma son's in school tae be telt, no' smelt.'' She added a

scrap of information which did not come as news to the teacher: ''He's

no' an effan' geranium.''

Malaprop mailbag

WE hear of:

* The chap on a visit to Moscow who reported difficulty understanding

the acrylic alphabet.

* The lady who waited in her car to join the funeral corsage.

* The lady whose favourite soap was Imperial Lather.

* The woman of whom it was said: ''Every time she opens her mouth she

shoots herself in the foot.''

* The teenager who had seen a TV programme on the slimmer's disease:

''Aye, it's terrible that anaglypta nervosa.''

* The woman who realised she'd mixed up her words and said: ''Oh dear,

is that me doing a Mrs Malathorp?''

Cooked books?

IN an interview in Business Scotland magazine, Richard Cole-Hamilton,

who retires as chief executive of the Clydesdale Bank at the end of the

year, has been telling of his early career as an accountant: ''The first

job I had was four years at the Machrie Hotel on Islay, where the

accounts were kept in four separate biscuit tins . . .''

Sounds like an ideal financial adviser to a certain football club in

the East End of Glasgow.

Unsafe practice

THERE are many and various reasons why a yat, sorry a yacht, can be

disqualified from a race. Stealing other people's wind. Stealing a wee

start before the gun.

Rare it is for a yat and all its crew to be disqualifed for stealing a

condom-dispensing machine. But this was the fate of a would-be

competitor in the Great Cumbraes Regatta out of Largs the other week.

The pub owner complained and the yatting authorities decided an example

had to be made.

We will not mention the name of the yacht because the skipper is a

gent who has suffered at the hands of a mutinous and disrespectful young

crew. No doubt he finds the ignominy and unfairness of it all quite hard

enough to bear.

Fancy that

A NEW housing co-operative in Easterhouse, the eastern garden suburb

of Glasgow, has drawn up rules about the pursuit of pigeon-fancying from

their houses. This had to be done because a sitting tenant had four

pigeons, which he kept in the verandah adjoining his living room.

They decided that existing tenant fanciers could keep up to four

pigeons. The regulations are now known locally as the ''doos and

don'ts''.

Shock, horror

INTO the Bad Taste Department comes the news from the promoters of the

Rocky Horror Show at the Pavilion Theatre, Glasgow, this week. They say

that tonight they will be handing out 12 free packets of flavoured

condoms to the audience on a ''first come, first served basis''.

Spotted on the Australian Gold Coast by Alex Reid of East Kilbride.

Clean dirt? Don't ask us, cobbers