Telfer has thoughts only for the future

referee too?'' asked Richard Escott, the doyen of French rugby

journalists. Richard -- ya boo, sucks to you, pal.

Telfer spoke at the function. Those of us expecting a gentle tickling

of the egos were booted firmly into touch -- and we should have known.

''I don't like looking backwards,'' said Telfer. ''I look forward.''

Thereafter came a 15-minute treatise on the future of Scottish rugby,

during which Gordon Hunter, the only man to break a cheekbone running

off the field at Dublin, bowed his head in mock shame with the biggest

smile cracking his face.

''Sorry we won it Jim,'' whispered Hunter guiltily. Eyes darted across

the room in the hush -- I caught John Rutherford's knowing look -- and

Telfer had us by the short and curlies again.

Euan Kennedy, who once had his nipple ripped off by Mark Shaw's stud

and scored a try against the English, found the night's proceedings too

much. He slept naked in the hotel's corridor when locked out of his

room. And our ageing process was summed up nicely by Peter Dods who

claimed that this damned modern music was too loud at the disco. Mind

you, only two divorcees in the whole bunch, well below the national

average.

But let's look forward as Telfer suggests. We have two scoops for you.

The first is that the Director of Rugby has set up a group to analyse,

formulate and report on a specific style of back play for Scotland.

Dougie Arneil, Roy Laidlaw, and Colin Robertson at the SRU head it up

with backup from Rob Moffat of Melrose, and Messrs Hadden and Easson,

all weel kent rugby faces. All teachers except wee Roy.

They meet first at the end of March, with angles, running lines and

necessary skills all to be decided upon, and a teaching video made. Hand

on heart, aside from lacking some of the open field flair of their

predecessors, I thought the forwards on Saturday were blameless. The

problems were further out than that, and I'd also jump to the defence of

Redpath and Townsend, whose only faults were that they tried too hard.

No, the failing, as it has been for 10 years, is in our lack of

Australian, French or even English understanding, pace and abilities

from numbers 12 to 15. It's sad, but the report is needed.

Secondly, Craig Chalmers is considering a South African sojourn this

summer to play for Natal. Various friends have told him that he needs to

relight his fire by getting as far away as possible from Scotland.

Already Scotland's summer tour to Argentina is developing into a second

string affair, what with Peter Walton adding his name to the possible

non-tourers, when it should be the most vital summer expedition in

preparation for the 1995 World Cup.

Me, I think that the players should realise that this year's bottom of

the table position is a completely unrealistic one in that they should

have beaten both England and Ireland, and now is the time to go on

summer tours and stay part of Scotland's plans. Things will never be

this bad again, and the year has been a freak one indeed.

More worrying to a certain extent is the complete and lasting change

in Murrayfield's atmosphere in these 10 short years since 1984. The

world's best stadium it certainly is, but sit high in the west stand and

you need your binoculars.

Add to that the nincumpoops who booed Gavin Hastings as he lined up to

kick at goal, and we have proof that some of the balloons who have

jumped on the debenture issue for some ready tickets have too much

money, shouldn't be there, and haven't a clue about rugby.

And what can I say about ''Flower of Scotland?'' I love the song, but

it doesn't rest easily with us Scots as we sing it with far less gusto

than before -- almost edgily.

Never in our wildest dreams do we want to emulate the nonsensical

jingoism of our English friends and their ''Swing Low Sweet Chariot.''

Maybe the song is played too slowly by the band, maybe it's in a key

that's too low, or maybe it sits uneasily in Murrayfield's all-seater

stadium. Whatever, like Twickenham, the ground is no longer a gathering

place for the common man to support his side and we'll just have to live

with that.

What's certain for the future is that a new generation of Scottish

backs will have to step forward to grace the new stadium. Get on the

weights Craig Joiner, Chris Dalgliesh, Michael Dods and the rest.

They'll be needed very shortly.