OUR tales of bishops remind Amy Kinnaird in Ochiltree, Ayrshire, of her teaching days when the late Bishop Joseph McGee was confirming children in the parish, and one of her 10-year-old pupils was roped in to be an altar boy, despite having little or no experience of what was required.

Asked afterwards how he got on, the lad told Amy: "A' richt - the only thing wis, when he asked me to hand him his mitre, ah looked roonaboot fur the ba' but couldnae see it."

Amy was unsure whether to tell the boy the difference between the bishop's mitre and Mitre footballs.

Book of love YES, it must be an old one, but we'd never heard it before. A chap who had little luck in his love life comes across a book in a second-hand bookstore entitled How to Hug, thinks it might help him with his emotional issues and buys it.

The bloke running the bookstore watches him leave and wonders why he only wanted volume eight of the encyclopaedia he had on sale.

Summit wrong SCOTTISH Socialist Party MSP Frances Curran, pictured, who is not seeking re-election next month, has received, as is traditional, letters from politicians thanking her for her contribution to the Scottish Parliament. One is from Chancellor Gordon Brown which thanks her for her international work, and in particular her interest in the G8 Summit which was held at Gleneagles.

We think Gordon's staff may have only partially done their homework, as Frances was, of course, suspended from the Scottish Parliament and her party fined £30,000 for protesting at the parliament about the summit, which we don't think is quite what he meant.

Wide of the mark FURTHER tales of commentators. Watching the St Johnstone Celtic cup semi-final on the telly, Billy Stewart in Cumbernauld tells us: "It was good of Sky's commentator to give us a social as well as footballing description of players.

"As St Johnstone were making a late substitution, the player Willie MacLaren was described as a wide man from Glasgow'."

Aiming high GREENOCK Morton winning promotion to Division One on Saturday was quickly taken advantage of by a local church the following day which put up a poster stating: "Morton are going up. Are you?"

XXX-ray shocker JACQUELINE Gold, who has turned the Ann Summers chain of lingerie and sex toys shops into a multi-million-pound brand, will be in her Glasgow shop at Friday lunchtime signing copies of her autobiography, A Woman's Courage - assuming she gets through the airport.

Flying from London on a previous book signing, she had a set of furry handcuffs in her possession confiscated. Jacqueline says she often carries product lines with her which she forgets to unpack.

Well, that's her story anyway.

Cabinet pudding DEFENCE Secretary Des Browne does not have his troubles to seek.

We remember the story about him walking down the main street in Stewarton where he was stopped by the redoubtable ladies who run a charity shop and told to give them a hand with taking a writing bureau into the shop.

They joked with him that he could shift furniture as he was a cabinet minister.

But for how long can he say that?

Dogged humour NATURALLY our story of the Vatersay Boys ceilidh band being listed erroneously as the Battersea Boys allows Ian Barnett to recall the classic stroy from Chic Murray, pictured, when he was stopped on a visit to London and asked: "Do you know the Battersea Dogs Home?"

And Chic replied, all together now: "I didn't even know he had been away."