Making a boob

GLASGOW club owner and property developer James Mortimer was bidding at the City Chambers charity dinner for the tsunami appeal to win his weight in champagne - he wasn't paying attention to what he was bidding on until he won it. So, after contributing the winning pounds-2200, James had to go onstage and be weighed in front of the other 300 diners as female guests gasped and declared they could never do that.

At 16st 2lb, James - "Either the scales were wrong, or I ate too many starters" - returned to his seat where gel-filled bra manufacturer Michelle Mone consoled him by saying: "I'd be worried I'm as heavy as you."

"No you're not, " replied the gallant James, "It's just your boobs that are heavier."

Jobbing actor

THE charity dinner guests were served by actors from Taggart and River City, with one veteran actor telling his table: "This is the first real work I've done in 20 years."

Snappy reply

THE RSNO's new music director, Stephane Deneve, was taken down to Glasgow's Transport Museum for publicity shots to publicise his new post when he starts in September.

Seeing the photographers outside the museum, two old ladies, with natural Glasgow curiosity, wandered over and asked why he was getting his picture taken.

When the photographer explained that Stephane was the new conductor, it was the ideal opportunity for one of the women to tell them: "Well he's a bit late.

There's no been a tram in Glasgow for over 50 years."

Lab lapse

FAX machine misunderstandings continued. Retired NHS consultant Alex Clark tells us about the west of Scotland hospital manager some years ago who was concerned about the cost of taxis transporting emergency medical specimens from an outlying hospital to the laboratory.

Says Alex: "In a display of a full grasp of modern communication techniques, the laboratory staff were asked if it would not be more cost-effective to have the specimens faxed to the lab."

Big mouth

FOOTBALL pundits have been speculating on whether Newcastle bad boy Craig Bellamy, right, on loan to Celtic, will become a wellbehaved player in Glasgow. Frank Rizzo of Hamilton heard former Rangers player Robert Fleck declare in a television interview: "Yes, he has got his faults because he opens his mouth before he speaks - always has done, always will."

Quite.

Posh proposal

JUST when you thought Scottish men were not in the least romantic, we hear from Gleneagles Hotel where a chap who booked dinner on a previous St Valentine's Day approached the staff beforehand and asked them to freeze a diamond ring in an ice cube so that it could be served to his intended in her champagne flute over dinner.

We just hope the dear lady did not spoil the moment by shouting at the staff: "Hoi! Whit's that floatin' in my drink?"

It's an art

BLACK Sabbath's impending reunion reminds Radio Scotland's Stewart Cruickshank of a Glasgow visit by the band's jet-lagged bassist, Geezer Butler. Newly returned from South America after a long world tour, Geezer appeared at Queen Margaret Drive in a taxi, fast asleep. Seeking revitalising fresh air, Stewart half-carried Geezer through reception into an open courtyard designed by Charles Rennie Mackintosh. The effect was instantaneous. "Rennie fooken Mackintosh, " Geezer exclaimed in his dense Brummie accent. "Oi've got 'ouseful o' this stuff at 'ome!"

Following an authoritative 20minute lecture on his favourite designer, Geezer gave a perky interview. Once back in a cab, he immediately fell asleep again.

Canned laughter

A RENFREWSHIRE chap is still recovering from the embarrassment of trying to get his can of Coke to sit in the cup holders that are thoughtfully provided on the armrests of seats in multiplex cinemas these days. As he pushed and hammered away at his can in the dark at the multiplex in Linwood, he finally realised that the chap sitting next to him was disabled - and he was trying to force his can into the circular arm rest of his neighbour's crutch.

Foreign cuisine

READYING themselves for next month's visit to the San Siro stadium in Milan for Scotland's game against Italy, the Tartan Army is discussing new songs with which to serenade the locals. The current favourite, to be crooned to the tune of Guantanamera, goes: "Deep-fry your pizzas, we're gauny deep-fry your pizzas."

Mother tongue

OH dear, we mentioned River City actress Joyce Falconer's glorious Doric accent, and now reader Hugh Campbell alleges that a visitor to the Grill Bar in Aberdeen's Union Street felt the need to interrupt two locals and ask them if it was really true that he had overheard them saying the champion jockey was expected in the bar.

"Naw, " one replied, "We're waitin' for Franky fae Torry."

Sorry about that.